Today happens to be Military Spouse Appreciation Day. I was a military spouse for 24 plus years. It was the greatest honor and the greatest burden. It may sound cynical, but my goal was always to bring attention and improve the lives of military spouses.
After my husband’s retirement he was gainfully employed and during that time, we had a son that was diagnosed with cancer, my husband was relieved of his duties (it was a blessing), he was reassigned to a much better job, and we were facing a future empty nest. We took proactive steps to receive some outside counseling. It was there I learned that I had a lot of unpacked boxes so to speak. Many of these boxes were emotions, trauma responses and unresolved feelings that I had packed up and put on a shelf. In my discovery I realized that this was a way to protect myself against being vulnerable. I had packed up my true emotions and feelings in order to seem strong. I realize now that it was ill-advised guidance to ‘stay strong’ when bad things happened. Maybe there’s a better word or a better way to tell hurting people that they can survive whatever it is they are enduring.
“Quite often, people equate strength with being able to withstand pain, emotional or otherwise. This is a rather narrow understanding of it, explains Leah Anderson, a British UAE-based wellness expert and mindset coach. “I think the idea of strength is misunderstood so often. It’s equated with acting tough, which is just an external appearance,” she says. “People think acting tough is strength; but that’s not always the case. It’s a very limited idea of what strength really means,” she says.
“We can’t restrict the definitions of strength like that. Strength also means knowing when to just pause. It means to take breaks, looking after yourself when life gets too much. It means finally crying and letting your emotions flow freely, rather than suppressing them. It means asking for help,” she says. “Being strong means finding a way to just being true to yourself and what you need,” says Anderson. (See the whole article here: https://gn24.ae/108ab17079935000)
I’ll admit, maybe I just didn’t understand the word strong. No one told me I could have a breakdown, miss my husband, be mad because he wasn’t there, or temporarily hate the way things were. So today, on National Military Spouse Day I give permission to my fellow military spouses to not be so strong. Be you. Do what it takes for you to be healthy. And promise me you won’t box up those feelings and put them on a shelf for later.
I just got back from a quick walk with my dogs, the ones that smell like a skunk. We walked down the gravel road near my house. In the past I have referred to this as The Prayer Road because I have walked hundreds of miles on this road while saying my prayers. (https://missykuester.com/walking-the-prayer-road-each-morning/) Today, it struck me how the road has potholes, the prayer road has potholes. That perfectly describes the past month and a half.
I haven’t felt like writing. It’s a combination of being busy, not feeling creative and depression. February isn’t my favorite month, but this past February started a pattern of what felt like an attack. It started with reliving the memories of February 2022, followed by stress with my husband’s job. While it ended up working out for the best, I was left with emotional scars.
This month the streak continued with flooding, water issues, and a bunch of small annoyances that added up. Did I mention my smelly dogs? Yeah, they personally met a skunk. During this time, I decided to reread Harold Kushner’s When Bad Things Happen to Good People. (https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/) I read this book 30 years ago. The biggest take away was this: “Prayer is not primarily a matter of asking God to change things. If we can come to understand what prayer can and should be; and rid ourselves of some unrealistic expectations, we will be better able to call on prayer, and on God, when we need them most.”
I kept praying for God to change my circumstances; stop the flood water and snow, give my husband a better job, clean my water, keep my cistern from flooding. Instead, God sent people. He showed me that I wasn’t alone in the mud, figuratively and literally. He gave me strength when I didn’t think I had any. He brought me people who could fix things.
Things are starting to look up, even though my dogs still smell, and it snowed again today. And I think The Prayer Road will have potholes for a while. The potholes will be a reminder that though I prayed hard for my circumstances to change, it was me instead that was changed. The Prayer Road has potholes but they remind me there is hope.
We have a saying here at Haulin Kuester Acres; It’s better than it was yesterday. With every change, even the smallest changes we feel like we are heading in the right direction. The father of soil conservation and a renowned soil scientist, Hugh Hammond Bennett is credited with saying, “Take care of the land and the land will take care of you.” We believe this place landed in our laps because it needed us to rescue it. It was neglected, abused, and harmed. We are just trying to make our corner of the world a little better and hopefully, that means this land will in a way take care of us. The Bible tells us that everything belongs to the Lord, even the land. We approach this place as a gift from God and the best way to honor what he has given us is to rehabilitate this place.
The cat shed
A couple of weeks ago, we started the process of tearing down what we have labeled the cat shed. We’ve dissected it to try and determine how, when, and why it was built. The back of the structure had small rooms with cages. The previous owner told us that the owner before her rescued wayward cats and housed them in the building. At one time, she claims there were up to 50 cats in the shed. The main part of the building is solid. The rafters are what look like logs. There is only a gravel floor. In some parts of the building, the floor is elevated with wood pallets. It’s an unsightly mess. See my previous blog post about the wacky outbuildings https://missykuester.com/renovation-update-outbuildings/. It will take a couple more weekends and another dumpster to completely dismantle it. So check back!
A marathon, not a sprint renovation
As I walk around I walk with my head down, looking for bits of junk. I kid you not, you can come across tools that somehow work their way out of the soil. And just to annoy me, are the bits of crunched-up plastic in the driveway and yard. I have no idea what it is or where it comes from but it irritates me. The previous owners shared how they loved living here. Some days it’s hard to see where the love was.
I will admit I watch videos and read blogs about people who have done similar clean-ups. This renovation is one of the worst but it inspires me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-Q5nCK3kZk
We will never run out of projects. But I keep reminding myself, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
We still haven’t named our farm/ranch so for now it’s just Our Place. What is the difference between a farm and ranch? https://www.land.com/buying/difference-between-farm-and-ranch/ According to this article our 7.5 acres with no current animals or crops is a farm. Don’t tell Delilah, the dog as she considers herself a ranch dog. So, we’ll keep stewing on that name for our farm.
Our house was originally built in 1908 in Logan, Utah but at some point, it was moved to its current location. If I had to guess, it is a kit home. http://www.searsarchives.com/homes/1908-1914.htm
So here is our first Renovation Update: From the Inside.
Don’t judge a house by its crappy vinyl siding
In the Cache Valley, it’s hard to find a house with land. This was a unique piece of property but it ain’t pretty. We have grand plans down the road. When we move in permanently in July 2021, we will hire an architect or engineer to tell us if the house is worth remodeling or if we should start over. For now it’s liveable.
People asked for pictures of the inside. Here are some. Excuse my photo gallery, it’s not perfect either.
I’m a praying woman. But I haven’t always prayed expecting my prayers to be answered. I know that makes me an imperfect Christian but it makes me human. Several months ago when Magnum and I started talking about our plan when he retires from the Air Force in July 2021 I began to pray. I began to pray to settle on a certain town, area, or state. Then, I prayed for opportunities and doors to be opened. In addition, I prayed for jobs and housing. I prayed for God’s will but I failed to specify a time. They say timing is everything but God’s timing is not predictable. Opportunity knocks when you are doing something else. But I know this, with His timing comes his provisions. When God plans it, you can’t stop it.
If I could buy this place I would
Spring Break of 2019, Magnum was deployed. I decided to drive with Kid #2 and #3 to see Kid #1 in Logan, Utah. T is a student at Utah State. It’s our favorite place to visit and where his brothers wanted to go for the week. I rented a house, saw lots of friends in the area, got a surprise visit from one of my best friends, and cried when I had to leave to return to Washington. I felt a strong sense of home.
Fast forward, Magnum returned home in October and we decided we would go back to Utah for Thanksgiving. It’s been our tradition. Instead of staying at a hotel, it’s more economical to stay in an Air B&B. I selected a place in the country. It was advertised as a quaint farm. It would allow all of us to have a room so it was perfect and cheaper than a hotel.
While staying at the house, it snowed 8 inches overnight. We were surprised to wake up to no electricity and find out we were snowed in. But it was like being in a winter wonderland. If I didn’t need to get out to go to dinner with family, I could have stayed snuggled up in the house. I posted a picture on Facebook and jokingly said, “If I could buy this place I would.”
If God brings you to it, He’ll get you through it
Fast forward again to July 2020. We had big summer plans but then Covid-19 happened. So, we salvaged what we could and decided to go camping in Utah, the Cache Valley. On the way, we stopped at our friends, the Hughes near Council, Idaho. They have a beautiful place. Sitting on their porch watching the sunset made me ache for a place of my own.
We made our way to the Logan, Utah area and set up our camper in a campground. I then received an email from Kurt, the owner of the farm we stayed at the previous Thanksgiving. In March, I had told him that if he ever considered selling we would be interested. At the time, he had someone interested but their financing fell through. The very day we arrived, he offered it to us.
I immediately said yes and arranged to meet up with his wife. We had to pass her approval process first. In the meantime, we continued to look at other places just in case. After we met her and she approved, the process went rather quickly. We made an offer, they countered and at the end of the day, we agreed on a price.
We returned to Washington and finished the process with the assistance of our realtor, Johnnie. All along the way, things just worked out. We had some hiccups but I kept remembering the phrase, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.”
Many people talk about the struggle to decide where they will retire after a long military career. When I prayed that prayer, I forgot how our God can respond; immeasurably more than we can imagine. I love Priscilla Shirer, author, preacher, and speaker. She talks about praying big prayers. We sell God short when we don’t pray bigger.
That’s why I am so content. I was along. For the next several months, we will divide our time between Washington and Utah. It is scary to think we will need to maintain two households. But I am certain that God will provide, He always does. 10 years previous to this, we owned a house in Delaware. Times were tough but we were certain we wanted to sell our house when we relocated to Texas. The house did not sell by the time we left and sat empty for nearly a year. All that time, we lived on less and paid a mortgage and a rental. God provided and He’ll do it again.
A change of address but an unchanged God
It is a season of big changes. We are taking them in stride. There are still a lot of unknowns but we are certain we are where we are supposed to be. We have a change of address but an unchanged God. God’s plans are unmistakable and they work out, you can’t stop them. Man, I’m so glad I rented this place for Thanksgiving. It gave us a chance to try it on for size. I’m also grateful that we live 13 hours away; we never could have done this living across the country. We have a lot of work ahead of us and big plans but God is in it. We’ll pass along our address with due time. Watch for updates on here, Facebook, and Instagram.
We are contemplating names for the ranch/farm, so stay tuned. Please leave a comment with name ideas.
On April 27, 2011, at the age of 36, Jennifer, my best friend passed away. Something happens to a person when they lose their best friend. I have found in the years following her death, I have tried to live out all the good parts of who she was. Her life influenced me but her death changed me. I still have a best friend but my best friend lives in heaven.
Here is the eulogy I spoke at her funeral with her parents’ blessing.
An Ode to my Woobie
I had the distinct honor of being Jennifer’s best friend. It all started in choir class, in the front row. We struck an unlikely friendship that lasted for over 20 years. My husband has known Jenny since Kindergarten. His first memory of her was that she couldn’t drink the milk and had to get the juice at snack time. He and I have a long history with Jenny.
Jenny was adventurous when I knew her in high school, she kind of scared me. She was falling out of haylofts, breaking bones, and passing out off the back of bleachers long before it was cool to do so. But she kept on being that feisty 16-year old I always knew. She and I have our secrets; we have things out parents don’t even know about. She’s keeping my secrets and I will keep hers. She’s the friend that knows my history and my story. She’s also my Woobie, and there’s a story behind that too. We were at my house playing Scattegories, the category was a pet name you would give someone and the letter was W. Without knowing what the other one had written, we both came up with the same name, Woobie. We had that kind of chemistry.
Jenny was my maid of honor and I was hers. At her wedding, she asked me to sing the song, Friends (by Michael W. Smith). In the song, the words say, “A friend’s a friend forever if the Lord’s the Lord of them. And a friend will not say never ‘cause the welcome will not end.” Our welcome never ended. As I moved away and became the adventurous one I always took her in my pocket. Jenny made me adventurous and it took that spirit to do some of the things I’ve had to do over the years. After every trip, she wanted to know what I had seen and done. She wanted to live the adventure with me.
Jenny saw me bring three beautiful boys into this world. She was their godmother. And she was my ever faithful, cheerleader, and encourager. She loved my boys, prayed for them, and she had a bond with them. She took the job of godmother very seriously.
The one regret I have is that I wasn’t always there for her but I knew she was always in good hands. And no matter how much time or distance, as soon as I stepped foot in her presence it was as if I hadn’t been gone so long. As my life and my friends changed over the years depending on where I lived, she was the one true constant friend I had. And she never made me feel guilty for not being there; in fact, she always told me how proud she was of me.
I take from Jenny her feistiness; I used to be the docile one without an attitude…..I used to but not anymore. I take from her an adventurous spirit, sometimes launching myself off into the unknown just like she did on that rope swing out at the Salamonie Reservoir. I take her willingness to find the good in all people because we’ve all benefitted from that. I take her love of animals, elephants, babies, scrapbooking, her will to fight, and all the words to ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’ In return, I hope I’ve given her something. I promise her now that I’ll live a life she would be proud of now and always.
Friends are friends forever
“I wish you were here, but you’re in Heaven. Heaven doesn’t know how lucky it is to have you.”-author unknown.
I realize now that I took having her here on earth for granted. She was my first call when something wonderful happened. My enemies were hers’s and she didn’t need to know the details. If I didn’t like someone, she wasn’t going to like them either. If I was mad, she was madder. She hated injustice of any kind. She was loyal like that. Without going into great detail, Jenny had a host of medical issues, mostly those dealing with her immune system. She was in and out of the hospital for most of her adult life. Like all the times before, I just assumed she would fight, recover, and call to tell me she was feeling better. But that didn’t happen.
Every day is how often I miss her
I honestly believe that God gives you one best friend in life. I miss Jenny every damn day. Today (July 1st) is her birthday. Every year, I like to do something she would want to do. As much as I want to call her on the phone, I can’t. However, I know that she’ll send me a beautiful sunrise, a favorite memory, or she’ll send me on some adventure. Nonetheless, I will celebrate her today and be thankful that I had her in my life for 20 years.
Everyone should have a best friend like Jenny in their lives. Mine just happens to be in heaven.
“Though it’s hard to let you go, in the Father’s hands we know that a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.” I promise you, Jenny, we will always be best friends and you’ll always be my Woobie, death cannot change that.
