Category: Funeral Services

May 24, 2024

Allow me introduce myself…again

In the words of The Rolling Stones in their song titled, Sympathy For The Devil, “Allow me to introduce myself.” In the case of this blog, allow me to introduce myself…again. I am Missy Kuester and I run this site, not well or often enough but nonetheless its mine and I can do what I want with it. My wise friend, Angie suggested I start a series on my blog entitled, Dead Serious to explain the funeral process and share my insight.

I recently started a business called Haulin Kuester LLC. The main function of this LLC is funeral services. I have been working for 3 years in funeral services. I mainly work at one funeral home. In September 2023, the funeral home was sold to a larger funeral service entity. With that I became an independent contractor which means that I can work anywhere now. Making an LLC for taxes purposes was logical.

What exactly does a funeral assistant do?

People often ask me what I actually do. My typical day may look like this:

*Arrive before viewing or visitation in time to wash and vacuum cars. After we return from the car wash, we will line up cars in preparation for the procession to the cemetery.

*Greet/Meet the family. I will answer any questions they might have and direct them to the restrooms and the family room we have for them where they can rest, get a beverage or a snack.

*Receive and arrange any flowers that may arrive. The funeral director takes a picture of the arrangement and the attached card.

*Print and fold programs.

*Assist with boutonnieres for the pallbearers by pinning or attaching the flowers to the lapel or dress. I will pass out any other flowers to family members.

*I usually take my post by the door, opening the door for visitors and directing them to the viewing room and where they can find the sign in book. I also receive any gifts or flowers or cards for the family. No one can ever find our restroom so I will direct them to where they need to go. Often times, people will have questions about our services or facilities, and I try to answer their questions or direct them to someone who knows the answer.

*Monitor programs, the book, mints, tissues, and water for the family.

*Nearing the time the service is to begin, we will move flowers from the viewing room to the chapel. Many times, we have already set up flowers in the chapel especially if services are at a church.

*After the allowed time for the viewing/ visitation, the room is cleared of everyone but family. We then will turn over the time to clergy or a family member for a prayer or final memory. Then we encourage the family to say one last goodbye before we close the casket lid. If a person is cremated, we still encourage the family to gather one more time and pray.

*Once the prayer has been said and the final goodbyes rendered, 2 of us will move the casket or urn into the chapel, followed by the family. Even though we have seats reserved I often have to do some crowd control. The funeral director is making sure the zoom and sound equipment is working and the person conducting the service is ready.

*After the service, whether at the funeral home or a church or other venue, we roll the casket out to the awaiting hearse (or carry the urn) along with the pallbearers. Then we load the flowers into a van and one of us takes the flowers to the cemetery before the hearse arrives. We also do any other prep work which might include calling whoever is in the hearse to guide them into the burial spot. One of us drives the hearse and another drives the limo if the family has requested it. At the cemetery I will assist family or the funeral director. One of us waits after the ceremony to make sure the vault company is on scene to finish the burial process (usually after the family has left).

*After the cemetery ceremony, one of us might take flowers to the church or run errands for the family in regard to the funeral. The limo driver may take the family to a church or back to the funeral home.

*If it is a graveside service, we will set up chairs, flowers, the run, tables, programs, and the sign in book.

Other things I might do:

*Pick up cremains, take someone to the crematory, or pick up death certificates.

*Assist families with viewings and visitation (evening and daytime and weekends available)

*Give a prayer at a service.

*I can create slideshows and help select music for funeral ceremonies

*I can track down lost flowers (it happens a lot).

*I have gone on death calls, but this happens rarely.

*And I love to help people by answering questions about funerals. I’m happy to give advice on services or how to help someone who has lost a loved one.

I’m sure I forgot things. I do whatever I can to make a funeral service the best it can be for the remaining family. Our goal is always to do our jobs in the background and take care of things, so the family doesn’t have to do it. What I do is a mission, a ministry and absolutely a calling that I can’t quite explain.

August 22, 2022

Creating and holding space for grieving people

Recently, I shared a post about my work in the funeral industry. You can read that post here: https://missykuester.com/a-nonanxious-presence-in-a-funeral-home/. One question I often get is “What do you do at the funeral home?” I could list the actual physical things such as greeting visitors, restocking the snacks and drinks, moving flowers, driving the hearse, driving the limo, moving more flowers, etc. But the best answer I can think of is I’m resonsible for creating and holding space for grieving people.

What does it mean to hold space for grieving families?

According to gsthereapy center, “Holding space means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings.” https://www.gstherapycenter.com/blog/2020/1/16/what-holding-space-means-5-tips-to-practiceAcc

It’s a great post with tips for creating a safe space.

In my life when walking through a loss with a friend or loved one, I have wanted to create or be a safe place for them. A sudden or profound loss can create a plethora of dynamic emotions. My job is to create a space where a person feels comfortable displaying those emotions without judgment.

Creating a safe space for grieving

At the funeral home, I create a safe space by doing all the things mentioned early. Our emphasis is to remember everything that a grieving family may not think of during the planning and services. We also cater to our families. Whatever they ask for we are open to doing. Consequently, our goal is to make those things happen behind the scenes without fanfare.

Another way we create space for people to grieve is to honor and respect customs whether they be cultural, religious, or family. Rituals are important in the grieving process. I hope to share some of the specific customs and rituals I have personally experienced in subsequent posts.

Have you ever thought about how you respond to someone when they are griveing? Rather than give advice or tell them how they should feel, wouldn’t it be better to just be present, without advice or judgement? Are you a safe space for them in which they can be raw and honest with their feelings of loss?

August 3, 2022

A nonanxious presence in a funeral home

“How people die remains in the memory of those who live on” – Dame Cicely Saunders.

In July of 2021, I saw a Facebook post about a newly opened funeral home. Nearly a year later, that post changed the trajectory of my life. That day I mustered up the courage to send a message to James the one who had posted about the funeral home. And today, I have a career in funeral services.

Sometime later, I was telling my new pastor about my work at the funeral home. He is no stranger to funerals and funeral homes. In that conversation, he taught me the term, nonanxious presence. What a perfect description of what I am in my work. I set out to learn how to be a nonanxious presence in a funeral home.

How I found my calling

My best friend, Jenny died in 2011 at the young age of 36 after battling an autoimmune disease for most of her life. Jenny’s funeral was a significant moment in my life. And it transformed me and how I saw death and dying. At her funeral, my friend Jim, the funeral director told me I had a gift and I should consider a job in the funeral industry.

I had several moments in my life that I’ve walked with friends as they’ve grieved the loss of children, spouses, and loved ones. I realized I wasn’t afraid to be with people as they grieved. Without knowing it, was trying to be the nonanxious person when their life was in shambles and chaos.

Jim’s words never left me. The experiences of holding space for the grieving inspired me. That’s how I found my calling to work in a funeral home.

A nonanxious presence

The term nonanxious presence was coined by Edwin Friedman a Jewish Rabbi. He described a nonanxious presence as “an individual who provides a calm, cool, focused and collected environment that empowers others to be relaxed.” Pastors, hospital chaplains, and leaders are familiar with this term and embody it. I also believe that those working in funeral homes have learned this trait as well.

On his blog, http://thenonanxiousleader.com Jack Shitama says this about being a nonanxious presence, “It’s important to understand that this power is different than authority or the ability to control others. It’s about positive influence and helping others to be their best.”

In my opinion, our role at the funeral home is to be calm, reassuring, and helpful without being overbearing. We really are the people in the shadows making things run smoothly and supporting the family. Even being overly helpful can cause anxiety and be counterintuitive. Our goal is to be present but not overwhelming. As Friedman said, “The trick is to be both non-anxious and present simultaneously.”

Behind the scenes of a funeral home

In future posts, I hope to share behind the scenes of a funeral home. It’s fascinating and rewarding work. I look forward to sharing my experiences and what I learn along the way. Every day and every funeral is different. And through it all there are many lessons to learn.

There may be no single thing that can teach us more about life than death.” –Arianna Huffington