Author: Missy

May 24, 2024

Allow me introduce myself…again

In the words of The Rolling Stones in their song titled, Sympathy For The Devil, “Allow me to introduce myself.” In the case of this blog, allow me to introduce myself…again. I am Missy Kuester and I run this site, not well or often enough but nonetheless its mine and I can do what I want with it. My wise friend, Angie suggested I start a series on my blog entitled, Dead Serious to explain the funeral process and share my insight.

I recently started a business called Haulin Kuester LLC. The main function of this LLC is funeral services. I have been working for 3 years in funeral services. I mainly work at one funeral home. In September 2023, the funeral home was sold to a larger funeral service entity. With that I became an independent contractor which means that I can work anywhere now. Making an LLC for taxes purposes was logical.

What exactly does a funeral assistant do?

People often ask me what I actually do. My typical day may look like this:

*Arrive before viewing or visitation in time to wash and vacuum cars. After we return from the car wash, we will line up cars in preparation for the procession to the cemetery.

*Greet/Meet the family. I will answer any questions they might have and direct them to the restrooms and the family room we have for them where they can rest, get a beverage or a snack.

*Receive and arrange any flowers that may arrive. The funeral director takes a picture of the arrangement and the attached card.

*Print and fold programs.

*Assist with boutonnieres for the pallbearers by pinning or attaching the flowers to the lapel or dress. I will pass out any other flowers to family members.

*I usually take my post by the door, opening the door for visitors and directing them to the viewing room and where they can find the sign in book. I also receive any gifts or flowers or cards for the family. No one can ever find our restroom so I will direct them to where they need to go. Often times, people will have questions about our services or facilities, and I try to answer their questions or direct them to someone who knows the answer.

*Monitor programs, the book, mints, tissues, and water for the family.

*Nearing the time the service is to begin, we will move flowers from the viewing room to the chapel. Many times, we have already set up flowers in the chapel especially if services are at a church.

*After the allowed time for the viewing/ visitation, the room is cleared of everyone but family. We then will turn over the time to clergy or a family member for a prayer or final memory. Then we encourage the family to say one last goodbye before we close the casket lid. If a person is cremated, we still encourage the family to gather one more time and pray.

*Once the prayer has been said and the final goodbyes rendered, 2 of us will move the casket or urn into the chapel, followed by the family. Even though we have seats reserved I often have to do some crowd control. The funeral director is making sure the zoom and sound equipment is working and the person conducting the service is ready.

*After the service, whether at the funeral home or a church or other venue, we roll the casket out to the awaiting hearse (or carry the urn) along with the pallbearers. Then we load the flowers into a van and one of us takes the flowers to the cemetery before the hearse arrives. We also do any other prep work which might include calling whoever is in the hearse to guide them into the burial spot. One of us drives the hearse and another drives the limo if the family has requested it. At the cemetery I will assist family or the funeral director. One of us waits after the ceremony to make sure the vault company is on scene to finish the burial process (usually after the family has left).

*After the cemetery ceremony, one of us might take flowers to the church or run errands for the family in regard to the funeral. The limo driver may take the family to a church or back to the funeral home.

*If it is a graveside service, we will set up chairs, flowers, the run, tables, programs, and the sign in book.

Other things I might do:

*Pick up cremains, take someone to the crematory, or pick up death certificates.

*Assist families with viewings and visitation (evening and daytime and weekends available)

*Give a prayer at a service.

*I can create slideshows and help select music for funeral ceremonies

*I can track down lost flowers (it happens a lot).

*I have gone on death calls, but this happens rarely.

*And I love to help people by answering questions about funerals. I’m happy to give advice on services or how to help someone who has lost a loved one.

I’m sure I forgot things. I do whatever I can to make a funeral service the best it can be for the remaining family. Our goal is always to do our jobs in the background and take care of things, so the family doesn’t have to do it. What I do is a mission, a ministry and absolutely a calling that I can’t quite explain.

May 10, 2024

Military Spouse Appreciation Day: feelings on a shelf

Today happens to be Military Spouse Appreciation Day. I was a military spouse for 24 plus years. It was the greatest honor and the greatest burden. It may sound cynical, but my goal was always to bring attention and improve the lives of military spouses.

After my husband’s retirement he was gainfully employed and during that time, we had a son that was diagnosed with cancer, my husband was relieved of his duties (it was a blessing), he was reassigned to a much better job, and we were facing a future empty nest. We took proactive steps to receive some outside counseling. It was there I learned that I had a lot of unpacked boxes so to speak. Many of these boxes were emotions, trauma responses and unresolved feelings that I had packed up and put on a shelf. In my discovery I realized that this was a way to protect myself against being vulnerable. I had packed up my true emotions and feelings in order to seem strong. I realize now that it was ill-advised guidance to ‘stay strong’ when bad things happened. Maybe there’s a better word or a better way to tell hurting people that they can survive whatever it is they are enduring.

“Quite often, people equate strength with being able to withstand pain, emotional or otherwise. This is a rather narrow understanding of it, explains Leah Anderson, a British UAE-based wellness expert and mindset coach. “I think the idea of strength is misunderstood so often. It’s equated with acting tough, which is just an external appearance,” she says. “People think acting tough is strength; but that’s not always the case. It’s a very limited idea of what strength really means,” she says.

“We can’t restrict the definitions of strength like that. Strength also means knowing when to just pause. It means to take breaks, looking after yourself when life gets too much. It means finally crying and letting your emotions flow freely, rather than suppressing them. It means asking for help,” she says. “Being strong means finding a way to just being true to yourself and what you need,” says Anderson. (See the whole article here: https://gn24.ae/108ab17079935000)

I’ll admit, maybe I just didn’t understand the word strong. No one told me I could have a breakdown, miss my husband, be mad because he wasn’t there, or temporarily hate the way things were. So today, on National Military Spouse Day I give permission to my fellow military spouses to not be so strong. Be you. Do what it takes for you to be healthy. And promise me you won’t box up those feelings and put them on a shelf for later.

February 18, 2024

What I will remember from that day

That day is cancer day. The day we found out our middle son had testicular cancer. What I will remember from that day…

It was February 18th. It was towards the end of my day, but my son was on my mind. I knew he was going to the urologist. I was standing in a cemetery, it’s my work. My son at the time was an 18-year-old college freshman, his first semester, one month into a new school. He had transferred to that school after attending a school further away. That decision was instrumental in the story of how God put him where he needed to b

“So, it’s looking like it’s cancer.”

All the things people say, things got blurry, the breath left my body, and a lump was now in my throat. All I could think of was to get to him but that was impossible as he was states away, a 10 drive at best. I walked toward my colleague, Mark. He was talking to someone up the hill from where I was. He was facing my direction and as I got closer, I began to cry, and he excused himself to meet me. There and then I told him Guthrie had cancer. He hugged me, walked me back to the work van, and my other co-worker, Wayne came and sat in the van with me. I will always remember their reassurance. Wayne is a cancer survivor so he had it on good authority it would be okay. But we work in an industry surrounded by bad prognoses. While I waited for things to end, I called my husband. He was out on the floor with management. He told his boss what was going on and she told him to leave right away.

The drive toward home was full of phone calls.

My mom

My best friend, Kathy. I’m pretty sure she was packing a suitcase, ready to hop on a plane.

My father-in-law

My friend Lisa. It’s not the first time she’s taking a distressing call from me.

I drove on home and told my sister and brother-in-law who were living with me at the time. I told my other two boys. My oldest son had told his brother to go to a doctor when he found the lump.

I continued to make phone calls, it to the people I always call when something’s wrong.

Ann, she’s always praying for us.

Mary (I had to call her daughter Grace because Mary rarely answers calls.)

Derek, my pastor. He offered a prayer over the phone.

Scooter

Eleilia, she too prayed for us and was already looking up flights from Alaska.

Angie, she too has answered calls from me that started with me in tears.

Kate, she’s his godmother.

Marisa, who has her own story of loss.

I had a mental list of people I had to call. Once I posted it on Facebook, the evening was full of text messages, FB messages and phone calls. Finally, we had a moment to make a plan.

On my way home that day I had heard the song God, Turn It Around by Jon Reddick. That became a theme for us and a prayer.

There is so much that is a blur but there are key things that I’ll never forget.

I’ll never forget the song or the prayers that went out on his behalf.

I’ll never forget my oldest son telling me, “You’ve been taking care of me my whole life, it’s time to return the favor. I’ll take care of things here at home.” He stepped up in big ways.

Uncle Dan making a 1.5-hour trip one way just to let our dogs out of the house one day when everyone else was busy.

I’ll never forget the gifts of food from many people, the Fisher and Drummond families, Madison, Elisabeth, and finally my work family. We never paid for a meal ourselves while we were in town. The generous check for our hotel stays. It was a sign we were not alone.

The phone calls and messages were constant. Melanie and Lori who both had cancer experience called to offer support. Some of the best advice I got was that I owed no one anything. I was mentally exhausted, and this was music to my ears.

Surgery was required for that Wednesday to remove the testicle but more than the fear I felt, I was elated because that day while I waited in the waiting room, our friends had their baby. It was a reminder that God was still good.

2 years later and we still have some trauma, but my prayer is that with each passing year we will be able to see how far we’ve come. Today he is healthy and for that we are grateful for. And he insists we concentrate on February 23 when he had the cancer removed.

What I will remember from that day is that God did in fact turn it around and he used all of you to make it happen.

August 9, 2023

Sermon: Compassion and Enoughness

Recently I shared the message about compassion and our enoughness at our church, First Presbyterian Church in Logan, Utah. https://firstpreslogan.com/ The passage was based on the scripture Matthew 14:13-21 (NRSVue). https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+14%3A13-21&version=NRSVUE

It was an honor to share the message. If you would like to watch it please see the attached link. https://www.youtube.com/live/1OsIJyZU5ow?si=b1OjdMQ9lk9XI_2S

I don’t know if I’ll get the opportunity to preach again but it was fun and rewarding and has sparked something inside me. A friend recently sent me a message asking me how things went. I thought I’d use her questions to reflect and share my thoughts with you.

What thrilled you? I secretly like to be the center of attention and always wanted to be a stand up comedian. However, I’m not very good with criticism so that was promptly shelved. I enjoyed the improv moments with my audience and loved when they laughed at the appropriate places.

What did you learn about yourself? I have a degree in communications that I’ve never really used. This was the first time I felt like I took all those public speaking classes and used them effectively. I learned that the pull I have had to go into some type of ministry is still very prevalent.

What did you learn about the Lord? That he really does calm a person’s nerves and gives them the right words. I didn’t prep a lot nor did I practice my sermon and I felt it still went well.

What did you learn about your church audience? They truly love people. I had so many people before and after tell me encouraging things. I received phone calls afterwards telling me thank you and ‘job well done’. My minister from the beginning told me the sermon was beautiful and to not change a thing. That gave me a lot of confidence.

What would you change if you did it again? Not much, I messed up a few times with transitions and the end when it was time to release the congregation.

Will you joyfully and humbly say ‘yes’ to the next invitation to speak and teach and preach God’s amazing word? A resounding yes!

May 20, 2023

Looking back: 50 thoughts for my 50th birthday

Rascal Flatt’s, the country music trio sings a song titled, Life is a Highway. I agree. It makes a wonderful metaphor for life. The old adage is to not look back because you’re not going that way. While the sentiment is an attempt to inspire us to keep moving forward, I tend to disagree. I believe looking back helps to see how far I’ve come. In celebration of my 50th birthday, I find it helpful to look back.

50 Thoughts for my 50th birthday:

Be authentic and real. People can relate to you. Be your imperfect self, people want that.
Be kind to others and while you’re at it be kind to yourself. That’s how we change the world.
Therapy is a type of self-care and love, there’s no reason to be ashamed. Should be as natural as going to the regular doctor.
Travel, far and wide and often It gets rid of ignorance.
Do something that scares you. Sometimes you have to do something when you’re scared.
Don’t fall for fads, trends, etc.-it makes you like everyone else and that defeats the purpose of life.
Eat the cake, eat the bacon. I don’t trust anyone that doesn’t.
Do something you love. It can be a hobby or a job but find something that brings you joy.
Believe in a higher power.
Friendship is like pie and there is only so much pie so choose your friends wisely. Thanks Emily!
Live the obituary you want written about you someday.
Collect friends of all shapes, sizes, colors, cultures, ethnicities….you get the drift.
Don’t try to be strong all the time. It’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to not be okay.
Laugh and make others laugh.
Visit the elderly, they have a lot to offer, and you can learn so much from them.
Go outside. Be with nature and in nature.
Take all the pictures. You’ll never regret having too many pictures.
Be the first to smile at a stranger in the grocery store aisle.
Compliment strangers. Compliment their colored hair, their tattoos, whatever makes them unique.
Speak up against wrongdoing. Let others know what you’re for. Be pro love, and pro human.
Make your bed every day or marry someone who does.
Laugh at yourself before others have a chance to make fun of you.
Be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself.
Savor the moments.
Worry less about what others think. Don’t listen to the opinions of people you don’t respect or wouldn’t ask for their advice.
Do not compare your life with others. God created this life with you in mind.
Be grateful for the problems you don’t have.
Hang out with people who are smarter and wiser than you. If you’re the smartest one in the room, you’re in the wrong room.
Always bet on yourself.
Apologize especially to your kids. You’re human not perfect.
Sometimes you’re wrong.
Be like a tree, rooted but flexible.
Leave people better than you found them.
Be brave enough to suck at something until you get better.
Be a Fountain, not a drain (Rex Hudler)
Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (Martin Luther King, Jr.)
Make everyone feel like they are the most important person. Thank you, Mary!
Be who you needed when you were younger.
Mentor others. Share what you have learned.
Don’t dig up in doubt, what you planted in faith (Elisabeth Elliot)
Don’t die before you’re dead. (Tennessee John Hurt)
Don’t own so much clutter that you will be relieved to see your house catch fire. (Wendell Berry)
Don’t finish a bad book.
Sometimes it’s not about you. Remember this when someone is mad or acts out in anger toward you.
Celebrate yourself. Be brave and go to a restaurant alone or a movie theater by yourself.
You will never miss what’s meant for you.
If not you than who?
Everyone should have a porch to watch sunrises and the sunsets and watch the world go by.
Music is life. Listen when you’re happy, when you’re sad, alone, scared, joyful, jubilant……..
Don’t be sad about birthdays. It’s a privilege not afforded to everyone. Besides, you’ve been through a lot, and it shows, and you should be proud of how far you’ve come and what you’ve endured.

I hope when you look back down the road of your life, you see how far you’ve come. There were hard times but you’re still here. And as you look ahead down the road do so with hope. I could write fifty other things, but I’ll save that for when I’m 100. Thank you for always reading and thank you for helping me celebrate my birthday!

March 22, 2023

The prayer road has potholes

I just got back from a quick walk with my dogs, the ones that smell like a skunk. We walked down the gravel road near my house. In the past I have referred to this as The Prayer Road because I have walked hundreds of miles on this road while saying my prayers. (https://missykuester.com/walking-the-prayer-road-each-morning/) Today, it struck me how the road has potholes, the prayer road has potholes. That perfectly describes the past month and a half.

I haven’t felt like writing. It’s a combination of being busy, not feeling creative and depression. February isn’t my favorite month, but this past February started a pattern of what felt like an attack. It started with reliving the memories of February 2022, followed by stress with my husband’s job. While it ended up working out for the best, I was left with emotional scars.

This month the streak continued with flooding, water issues, and a bunch of small annoyances that added up. Did I mention my smelly dogs? Yeah, they personally met a skunk. During this time, I decided to reread Harold Kushner’s When Bad Things Happen to Good People. (https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/) I read this book 30 years ago. The biggest take away was this: “Prayer is not primarily a matter of asking God to change things. If we can come to understand what prayer can and should be; and rid ourselves of some unrealistic expectations, we will be better able to call on prayer, and on God, when we need them most.”

I kept praying for God to change my circumstances; stop the flood water and snow, give my husband a better job, clean my water, keep my cistern from flooding. Instead, God sent people. He showed me that I wasn’t alone in the mud, figuratively and literally. He gave me strength when I didn’t think I had any. He brought me people who could fix things.

Things are starting to look up, even though my dogs still smell, and it snowed again today. And I think The Prayer Road will have potholes for a while. The potholes will be a reminder that though I prayed hard for my circumstances to change, it was me instead that was changed. The Prayer Road has potholes but they remind me there is hope.

January 26, 2023

An evening with the grandfather I never knew

I recently had an amazing dream, the kind you don’t want to wake up from. I dreamt I enjoyed an evening with the grandfather I never knew. My grandfather Rea (pronounced Ray) died in 1961 at the age of 51. My father was just a teenager when his father died while returning from vacation. They had been in Arizona and stopped for the night in Kansas when he had a heart attack and died.

I don’t much about him. He was a farmer and school bus driver and an only child. One day a family friend, Mary Kay told me I acted a lot like him. She told me a couple stories about him and I’m grateful for the things she shared for it’s all I know about him. She told me he had one of the first still cameras and that he was a jokester.

It’s the first time I have ever had a dream about him. He and I were walking about their old farmstead. We were talking and I remember it was delightful. At one point I took his hand and told him I was grateful to finally meet him. He showed me where their barn used to be, and I explained that after he died Grandma sold the animals and neighbors farmed the land he owned. The barn became dilapidated, and it was torn down.

You know how people ask, “Who is one person dead or alive that you would want to have dinner with?” Hands down, it is my grandfather. It’s strange how I can have such a strong attachment to my grandfather even though I never knew him. When we were expecting our second child, not knowing if it was a boy or a girl, I knew that if it was a boy, I wanted to honor my grandpa. Grandpa Rea’s real given name was Thompson Rea, named after his grandfather. My son’s middle name is Thompson.

I’m grateful for that evening with my grandfather and I hope to have another evening with him soon.

January 12, 2023

It’s the small things in life that add up

Mother Teresa is credited with saying, ““We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.”

Recently my friend, Angie, called and we caught up. She said she had come here to my blog and noticed I hadn’t posted anything in a while. Of course, I gave her the excuses that it was the holidays, I was busy, and I had nothing to write about. It was the catalyst I needed to get back to writing.

I have another friend that has a blog, and her posts take about 3 minutes to read. I like her blog because I have a short attention span and I can read her posts easily and efficiently. https://www.galsinblue.com/

Yet, another friend posts about the little things of each day. I look forward to her Facebook posts. She can take the little things and wring out something meaningful and enlightening.

Finally, my friend, Kathy and I have vowed to document the positive things about each day, even the small things of life.

I find my life, daily events, and even my job at the funeral home are made of a lot of little moments and tasks. But all together it adds up. I used to think life had to be these big moments and events. Or that I had to have a job that made a huge impact when in fact the little things I do at work add up to be meaningful in the moment.

Therefore, I decided I could do a quick post to let you all know I’m still here. After all, it’s the small things in life that add up..

August 22, 2022

Creating and holding space for grieving people

Recently, I shared a post about my work in the funeral industry. You can read that post here: https://missykuester.com/a-nonanxious-presence-in-a-funeral-home/. One question I often get is “What do you do at the funeral home?” I could list the actual physical things such as greeting visitors, restocking the snacks and drinks, moving flowers, driving the hearse, driving the limo, moving more flowers, etc. But the best answer I can think of is I’m resonsible for creating and holding space for grieving people.

What does it mean to hold space for grieving families?

According to gsthereapy center, “Holding space means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings.” https://www.gstherapycenter.com/blog/2020/1/16/what-holding-space-means-5-tips-to-practiceAcc

It’s a great post with tips for creating a safe space.

In my life when walking through a loss with a friend or loved one, I have wanted to create or be a safe place for them. A sudden or profound loss can create a plethora of dynamic emotions. My job is to create a space where a person feels comfortable displaying those emotions without judgment.

Creating a safe space for grieving

At the funeral home, I create a safe space by doing all the things mentioned early. Our emphasis is to remember everything that a grieving family may not think of during the planning and services. We also cater to our families. Whatever they ask for we are open to doing. Consequently, our goal is to make those things happen behind the scenes without fanfare.

Another way we create space for people to grieve is to honor and respect customs whether they be cultural, religious, or family. Rituals are important in the grieving process. I hope to share some of the specific customs and rituals I have personally experienced in subsequent posts.

Have you ever thought about how you respond to someone when they are griveing? Rather than give advice or tell them how they should feel, wouldn’t it be better to just be present, without advice or judgement? Are you a safe space for them in which they can be raw and honest with their feelings of loss?

August 3, 2022

A nonanxious presence in a funeral home

“How people die remains in the memory of those who live on” – Dame Cicely Saunders.

In July of 2021, I saw a Facebook post about a newly opened funeral home. Nearly a year later, that post changed the trajectory of my life. That day I mustered up the courage to send a message to James the one who had posted about the funeral home. And today, I have a career in funeral services.

Sometime later, I was telling my new pastor about my work at the funeral home. He is no stranger to funerals and funeral homes. In that conversation, he taught me the term, nonanxious presence. What a perfect description of what I am in my work. I set out to learn how to be a nonanxious presence in a funeral home.

How I found my calling

My best friend, Jenny died in 2011 at the young age of 36 after battling an autoimmune disease for most of her life. Jenny’s funeral was a significant moment in my life. And it transformed me and how I saw death and dying. At her funeral, my friend Jim, the funeral director told me I had a gift and I should consider a job in the funeral industry.

I had several moments in my life that I’ve walked with friends as they’ve grieved the loss of children, spouses, and loved ones. I realized I wasn’t afraid to be with people as they grieved. Without knowing it, was trying to be the nonanxious person when their life was in shambles and chaos.

Jim’s words never left me. The experiences of holding space for the grieving inspired me. That’s how I found my calling to work in a funeral home.

A nonanxious presence

The term nonanxious presence was coined by Edwin Friedman a Jewish Rabbi. He described a nonanxious presence as “an individual who provides a calm, cool, focused and collected environment that empowers others to be relaxed.” Pastors, hospital chaplains, and leaders are familiar with this term and embody it. I also believe that those working in funeral homes have learned this trait as well.

On his blog, http://thenonanxiousleader.com Jack Shitama says this about being a nonanxious presence, “It’s important to understand that this power is different than authority or the ability to control others. It’s about positive influence and helping others to be their best.”

In my opinion, our role at the funeral home is to be calm, reassuring, and helpful without being overbearing. We really are the people in the shadows making things run smoothly and supporting the family. Even being overly helpful can cause anxiety and be counterintuitive. Our goal is to be present but not overwhelming. As Friedman said, “The trick is to be both non-anxious and present simultaneously.”

Behind the scenes of a funeral home

In future posts, I hope to share behind the scenes of a funeral home. It’s fascinating and rewarding work. I look forward to sharing my experiences and what I learn along the way. Every day and every funeral is different. And through it all there are many lessons to learn.

There may be no single thing that can teach us more about life than death.” –Arianna Huffington