Month: June 2020

June 23, 2020

Water, water everywhere…and places it shouldn’t be

Flood in the living room looking toward the dining room. Seconds after discovery. ©missykuester.com

It’s that first step off the stairs that makes one weary. A couple of days ago it was the first indication that things were not okay in my house. Why would the carpet be wet and not just wet but that there would be standing water? The simple act of starting the washing machine the night before turned out to be a big regret. But I’ve done it hundreds of times. I have always said that a cup of water on the floor seems to turn into gallons. Water, water everywhere…and places it shouldn’t be.

Help is on the way as soon as I call them

I had yelled for my husband and sons as soon as I figured out what was what. Then there was this moment when I couldn’t figure out what to do next. My husband was shutting off the water and I was questioning everything and nothing at the same time. It didn’t make sense. I had my phone in my hand but it took me minutes before I could unscramble my brain and do something. So I called Todd, the landlord’s fix-it guy. He can do anything. I texted him a picture. No words you want your handyman to say, “That’s more water than I can handle.” Yeah, Todd, me too! (Todd’s the best by the way)

Suck it up, Buttercup

I called ServPro but because my house is a rental the landlord has to take financial responsibility for their services. I couldn’t get ahold of my landlord so we began sucking up water! Thankfully our neighbors came to the rescue with their Shop Vacs. And apparently, I am no indebted to them for life.

Cleaning up water in the aftermath ©missykuester.com

Not as cool as a wind tunnel

Then came things I never knew existed. ServPro showed up in force the next few days and measured moisture, tore out insulation and baseboards, and installed dryers, fans and heaters. I do not recommend flooding your house. However, it saved me from cleaning my house.

Yea, it’s loud in my house. The fans have run 24/7 since this thing started. I have lost hearing I think! And it makes it over 100 degrees in my house. Chocolate has melted. It’s sad.

They then installed these pads and tubes. Looks like that alien on Monsters Inc.

Tubes piping in hot hair into the kitchen floors
©missykuester.com

And as if it wasn’t challenging enough, they covered the tubes with plastic. It became a giant inflatable Twister mat with hidden tubes that you can roll your ankle on.

What to do to ensure your washer doesn’t flood your house

I have found that it’s best to learn from other people’s experiences versus trying these things for yourself. So take it from us. Here are some things you can do so that this doesn’t happen to you.

Use a tray underneath your washer. You can buy one at Home Depot for a fraction of the cost to clean up the water. Some even have drains that you can have a plumber connect and run outside.

https://www.homedepot.com/p/MUSTEE-Durapan-30-in-x-32-in-Washer-Pan-99/202064414

If possible install a drain in your laundry room.

There are also water alarms you can place on the floor of your laundry room that will scream at you when it detects water. Again you can get them at any local Lowe’s, Home Depot or local hardware. Alarms will go off, alerts will be sent, and a disaster avoided.

https://www.homedepot.com/p/Honeywell-Home-Single-Use-Water-Leak-Alarm-4-Pack-RWD14/204116889

My neighbor added water detection to her alarm system for less than $20 a month that will send an alert to your phone if a leak is detected.

If you build a house, be mindful of where you build the laundry room. Can it be built lower than the rest of the house? For example, a step down from the rest of the house. Our laundry room is next to our kitchen at the same height.

Service your washing machine often. Ours gave us no indication anything was about to go wrong.

Do not run the washer overnight or while you are gone

Install flooring that can act as a barrier. Water in our house seeped underneath ruining the wood under the flooring.

I am sure there are other things that I’m not thinking of right now. So please leave a comment and tell me what more people can do.

The moral of the story…

Water is destructive. I now see why floods are disastrous. There are things you can do to ward off such an event. We blame ourselves for not taking precautions. We have lived in 15 houses since we got married and not one of them had any of the things mentioned above.

At the end of the day, my floors got clean, nothing of mine was destroyed, and we were always safe and had a place to sleep at night. Inconveniences were our biggest problems. We drank more alcohol than we should have but learned a valuable lesson. Besides, the obvious lessons learned from the malfunctioning washer there are life lessons. Learn from other people’s misfortunes. Water, like life, is unpredictable and takes unknown and unpredictable paths. It can be a source of life or it can drown you. We can go with the flow or fight the current. One thing we can’t do is stand in the stream of water and fail to make a decision. And sometimes, you don’t even want to be in the water but that’s where you end up.

Water quote by Nicholas Sparks from the book and movie The Notebook
©Quotabulary

June 9, 2020

To my friends married to police officers, I see you too

Last week I wrote an article about how we, white people need to check on our black friends. missykuester.com/check-on-your-black-friends-they-are-not-okay/. They need to know we care and we want to see change. It’s been a time of uncomfortable but needed conversations. In those conversations, we didn’t dwell on specifics but spoke of overall racism, their personal experiences, and how to spark change. Not one of those people spoke ill of police officers in general but focused on the recent cases and those specific police officers.

I was then prompted to check on my friends who are married to police officers or Law Enforcement Officers (LEO). They needed to know that I don’t think their spouses are bad cops. When I reached out to my LEO friends, they responded with grace and poured out their hearts.

If I have to explain to you that I can simultaneously support black people and police officers than that requires more conversation and another post. I will continue to champion for my black and brown friends who are experiencing systematic racism. Remember, I’m just someone who wants us all to sit at the same table. (Have you heard about Missy Kuester?).

Here are the stories of my LEO friends, in their own words. I felt as though their own words were more impactful than anything I could have written. I have excluded their names and any identifying information. I have also edited some conversations due to grammar and length.

Touch enough lives to bring change and make a different future

“My husband and I married on June 17, 1989. He was a State Trooper. We live in rural Indiana and at the time thoughts of his safety were fleeting. It was different. I had a person ask me once don’t you worry about him and I said “No, nothing like that happens here.” I knew he was aware of his surroundings and people liked him because he respected them. He talked to them and treated all of the people he arrested with respect and patience. You rarely heard of police shootings. You think it won’t happen to you or yours.”

“Now as a mother of a police officer, I fear all the time. I pray for him every night. My son called me last night and told me he’s been working every night to help keep calm during the protests. Last night a teenage white girl yelled in his face, yelled the F word in his face. He kept calm. It was the older black lady that told her to watch her language. She said that is not the reason they were there. It is a different time. My heart hurts for our country but I hope that the wives and mothers of police officers feel the pride I feel of my husband and son. We know we have good men who want to protect all the people. My hope is my husband and my son touch enough lives to bring change and make a different future where we don’t fear for the officers and certainly not for the black families and their children.”

Protecting their community

“There is fear that your spouse may not return from work and then add in this craziness. All they are doing is just trying to do their job by protecting their community. I worry not only for my spouse, but every police officer that has to deal with the everyday stresses and this just adds even more stress to their plates. I can’t imagine going to work and having to fear for my life. Like everything in this world, there are good and bad…does that mean every one of the police is bad…no. There are good and bad in all races across the nation. We have friends of all races/nationalities. I have two cousins that are married to different races. We love them both and they are treated no differently than any other. I just wish we as a nation could all just get along and be decent human beings.”

This is all too much

“Good God, this is all just too much.”

I’m a strong woman, Lord, but I really am done. I think most people would agree with that statement, but for me, really it couldn’t be truer.

I send my husband, out to do his duty as a local county sheriff’s deputy, just like I sent him out for 23 years to protect and serve in the military.

I stay back to provide a safe sanctuary for our children. To continue my own work in my professions. I manage the household, making sure that everyone has what they need and that my husband can come home from work after a full shift plus who knows how many hours of overtime, only to sleep and then get up to do it all over again.

I’m not mentioning all of this to garner “kudos” or pity, but just to point out that the work to keep the home fires burning has to be done by someone, and for 26+ years that has been me.

And then I have to dwell on my own thoughts about the protests and what it means to have “white privilege” and how do I feel about sending my LEO out into the world to do his duty to protect. And where am I on “Black Lives Matter” and does that movement really stand for what I believe, do they hate cops and if so, how do I rectify my feelings about police brutality with my feelings of pride for the work my husband does every day he heads out the door. And then I have to put my educator hat on to think about how all kids feel in my classroom. Do I make sure that children of color feel as valued as all others? What do I do to teach and honor everyone’s’ story?

Good God, this is all just too much.

But, THANK God, I rest in His care. THANK God, I have a husband who loves me deeply and two boys who want to make sure I am okay. THANK God I have family and friends who check-in. And THANK God it isn’t always like this.

Because, Good God, this is all just too much.

I see you my LEO friends

I’ll be honest, I cried when I read each of these messages. I wept for my LEO friends who I know are some of the best people God put on this earth. Their intentions are noble and just. I wept with them just like I wept with my friends of color who are hurting. I’ve heard a lot lately about being a bridge for racial unity. https://bethebridge.com/ is just one of the many resources. I guess that’s what I hope to be. My list of friends is diverse and if I would have a party I want all of my friends to be invited.

I had this thought as I sat down to write:

What do I tell my black and brown friends if I don’t speak up for them?

What do I tell my Jewish friends if I don’t speak up for them?

What do I tell my LGBTQ friends if I don’t speak up for them?

What do I tell my Christian friends if I don’t speak up for them?

What do I tell my friend who has been sexually assaulted if I don’t speak up for them?

What do I tell my friends who are at a disadvantage if I don’t speak up for them?

(The list goes on and you get my point.)

And what do I tell my friends who are married to the good cops if I don’t speak up for them?

Check on your LEO friends and make sure they are okay too.

June 8, 2020

13 truths as you drop your kid off at college

It’s that time of year where kids are graduating from high school. Parents are excited and sentimental. It brings back nostalgic memories of when my oldest son graduated from high school. In the aftermath of graduation, we prepared for him to leave us. He had chosen to attend a college across the country from where we lived.

About that same time, a friend recommended Kami Gilmour’s Release My Grip: Hope for a Parent’s Heart as Kids Leave the Nest and Learn to Fly. https://www.amazon.com/Release-My-Grip-Parent%C2%92s-Heart/dp/1470748479. It changed the way I looked at this transition. Did I perform it flawlessly? Nope. However, I did learn some truths and I want to pass them onto other parents. Your kid may be transitioning to a job, a trade school, the military, or a traditional 4-year college or even taking a gap year. The letting-go part is the same. Here are some things to keep in mind as you drop your kid off at college as was my case.

13 truths as you drop your kid off at college…

(Why 13? Because a list of 10 seems too predictable.)

Wait until you’re in the car to cry. Crying makes them feel worse and apprehensive. Besides, no kid wants to see his mom cry on the sidewalk.
I text and talk with my son more than when he was under my roof.
They still need you. You’ll find out soon…
You are doing the best thing for them. One day they will return. By giving them the freedom to leave, they will be someone who longs for home instead of someone who longs to run away.
They have the confidence to leave and that means you did such an amazing job of raising them! Applaud yourself!
You are still their mom, that doesn’t change.
One day you will find out that your kid is a pretty cool adult. (My friend Craig kept reminding me of this and it’s true!)
As my son told me, “If you don’t leave, I can’t start my life.” Move out of their way. You’re hindering, not helping.
Kids don’t grow confident by clinging to you, just like a toddler has to let go in order to walk.
What if your parents had never let you go?
As my friend reminded me, I still had people at home counting on me.
Kami Gilmour in her book chides parents for stealing their kids’ joy. This is a joyful time and your resistance to letting them go steals that joy. Stop being selfish!
Lose them now or lose them forever. Some of the best advice came from the ABC show The Goldbergs. (https://abc.com/shows/the-goldbergs). On one episode titled, Graduation Day, the father Murray Goldberg, played by Jeff Garlin is trying to console his wife Beverly played by Wendi McLendon-Covey. The usually cranky Murray has sage advice for his wife when she divulges that she is afraid of losing her daughter when she goes off to college. Murray says to her, “I would rather lose her for four short years than hold her back forever.” I needed to hear that and may you do too.

There is good news

Do not despair; it’s not all bad news. They eventually come back for visits and all the things that once annoyed you about them are soon forgotten. You start to trust them more. They communicate better, eventually. You might even get a text or phone call full of appreciation. There will be moments of great pride. You never stop worrying but they prove they can be trusted and get themselves out of tough situations. Don’t forget to applaud them and share in their triumphs and joys. One day down the road, you’ll wonder why you worried.

This is a song that helped me through the transition of my son leaving home….

This is not Goodbye by Sidewalk Prophets

I can see it in your eyes that you are restless
The time has come for you to leave
It’s so hard to let you go
But in this life, I know you have to be who you were made to be

As you step out on the road I’ll say a prayer
So that in my heart you always will be there

This is not goodbye
I know we’ll meet again
So let your life begin
‘Cause this is not goodbye
It’s just “I love you” to take with you
Until you’re home again

Listen to this song in its entirety: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YyIC0RumjQ

June 1, 2020

Check on your black friends, they are not okay

One of the reasons I started a blog is I need an outlet to say things that are on my heart. This morning when I began writing a lengthy Facebook post about racism, I stopped and remembered that I have a blog now. So, I am sitting down now to put feelings to paper…or screen. It will probably be imperfect but it’s from the heart. Before I go too far, I want to say that in no way am I saying that all police officers are bad or that all white people are racists. Just like I wouldn’t say that all blacks are criminals. Blanket statements are ignorant. I have family and friends in law enforcement, I see them hurting too and I pray for their safety every day. This is for my friends who are affected by racism.

Racism has nothing to do with where you grew up

I had a wonderful conversation with my mother yesterday. She says she is learning things about me on my blog that she never knew. Yikes! However, she told me that when she was a little girl she was always the one in school that sat with the kids that had no one to sit with. This must be where I get my desire to make people feel important and included. Read my introductory post and you’ll see. https://missykuester.com/have-you-heard-about-missy-kuester/

I grew up in a small, rural Indiana town. It was mostly an all-white community. Growing up there was boring and safe. My parents were blue-collar workers. However, they both worked in a neighboring city that was more diverse. My father was a truck driver and a factory foreman. My mother worked in a hospital. Both had black co-workers and supervisors (as well as co-workers from other countries and cultures) so I was accustomed to being in an electric group of people. I found it fascinating. Consequently, I have spent the last 29 years amassing a friend list full of people from different countries, cultures, and upbringings. I’m a better person for it.

I’m not going to be the problem any longer

Recent events in Minnesota and the death of George Lloyd and previously of Ahmaud Arbery made me re-access my ideals. Yesterday, I reached out to three of my black friends. The first is a bi-racial couple who are raising 4 amazing kids. They are open and honest about how racial tensions are affecting their children. Both made suggestions about how I could use my privileges to help those who are being oppressed. “Support our local black-owned businesses. Whether it be restaurants, food trucks, handyman, banks, events, stylists, clothing and shoe stores, etc. Take a few extra moments to leave reviews for those places. Do not support the chains or large companies or any place for that matter who condone racist acts of their employees or customers.” I appreciate their concrete suggestions on how I can help. I feel empowered.

My next conversation was with a friend that I respect because she’s an amazing human who has shaped and molded kids for years as an educator and administrator. She helped my son. He is pursuing a career in Natural Resources because of her. She also has three amazing kids. They are a family that makes a difference and impact in their community. Our conversation was one of encouragement. I spilled my heart out to her because she is a safe place to do so. She in turn told me just reaching out, befriending, and being aware is the first and most important step. Stomping out racism is a marathon, not a sprint. As she reminded me it’s a matter of changing hearts.

The last conversation I had is with a dear friend who I talk to weekly. She and I went to high school together but never interacted much. We reconnected at a class reunion and she’s become one of the most important people in my life. She is witty, smart, and easily one of the funniest people I know. She can debate the hell out of anything. Consequently, when she is done with you, you are convinced the sky isn’t blue. What makes her situation unique is that she is a fiery redhead married to a black man. Additionally, her father and brother work in law enforcement and she admires both of them for their work. Her post this morning says it all, “Some of you have never had a conversation with a black person about racism and it shows.” Our conversation was of solidarity.

The most important thing we can do for our black friends

All three conversations had one resounding theme: reaching out is the most important thing. Letting people know that we see them and support them is vital. I am thankful that I can learn from them (and others) and ask questions. They educate me so that I’m not part of the problem. I don’t pretend to know what they are going through so I need them to show me. Just like I have reached out to my friends in law enforcement to lend my support and let them know that I support them.

My best friend, Jenny had a knack for supporting me. My enemies were her enemies. She didn’t need the details. If I was upset, she was upset. That’s the way I feel about all my black friends right now. I just want them to not sit alone but to have a seat at my table. I see them, love them, and support them. Racism stops with me.

Check-in with your black friends. Make sure they know where you stand. Take the risk of sounding foolish. Ask questions. But don’t stay silent.

For more ideas of how you can fight racism, visit Corinne Shutack’s 2017 post. https://medium.com/equality-includes-you/what-white-people-can-do-for-racial-justice-f2d18b0e0234